With careful planning and prudent financial decisions, many Americans could retire before 65. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of such a decision:

PRO

  • Mystery of whether you’ll die above or below the poverty line finally revealed
  • Have ample time to visit parts of the world that will be underwater by the time your peers retire
  • Mid-afternoon dentist appointments a fucking breeze to schedule
  • Get to form bonds with the loved ones you neglected for years in dogged pursuit of early retirement
  • Contemplation of own mortality no longer restricted to evening hours

CON

  • Interest in some kind of hobby now mandatory
  • Earning potential the one thing you had to offer spouse, children
  • Your exit will skew the ideological composition of the court to the far right
  • The guys have one last job in the works, and it’s a big one
  • Life not all that great either way